I Was Called the Dream Crusher 💭🔨

In partnership with

Hey Friends, 

This week we're tackling something most couples notice but don't know how to navigate: what happens when one brain moves faster and the other's trying to keep up. If that difference has become a source of tension instead of understanding, this one's going to help.

What's Inside

• 🧠 This Week's Shared Shift

• 🔁 TL;DR

• 📊 Why It Works

• 🤝 Do This Together

• ⚡Customizing It to Your Level or Goal

• 💬 Couples Check-in Prompt

• 📈 Momentum Marker

• ✋ One more thing…

If this is your first time reading our newsletter—Welcome! If you haven’t yet subscribed, Subscribe + Thrive here.

The Tech newsletter for Engineers who want to stay ahead

Tech moves fast, but you're still playing catch-up?

That's exactly why 100K+ engineers working at Google, Meta, and Apple read The Code twice a week.

Here's what you get:

• Curated tech news that shapes your career - Filtered from thousands of sources so you know what's coming 6 months early.

• Practical resources you can use immediately - Real tutorials and tools that solve actual engineering problems.

• Research papers and insights decoded - We break down complex tech so you understand what matters.

All delivered twice a week in just 2 short emails.

Join 100K+ engineers

🧠 This Week's Shared Shift

When One Brain Moves Faster: Thriving Together with ADHD

I used to be called the “dream crusher.”

Not proudly. Not as a joke. Aaron, my husband and the person whose brain moves at lightning speed, gave me that nickname because every time he’d light up with a new idea, a new project, a new possibility, I’d reflexively say: “Slow down. You can’t do all of that.”

I thought I was being practical. Realistic. The steady one.

What I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t reacting to his brain; I was reacting to my own limiting beliefs. The glass-half-empty outlook I grew up with. The voice that said exciting things happen to other people, not us.

If you’ve ever loved someone whose brain moves fast, you know the dance. Some days their ideas come out in spark-like bursts, and they feel unstoppable. Other days, the pace shifts, attention scatters, irritability creeps in, or the world feels “too loud” to settle.

Neurodivergence is what that often looks like up close: a brain that processes information, attention, emotions, and sensory input differently than what’s considered “typical.” ADHD is one form. So are autism, dyslexia, and other brain-wiring differences. ADHD isn’t a lack of discipline or a broken attention span. It’s a different rhythm, a different pacing of energy, focus, and emotional processing.

Sometimes the problem isn’t the speed. It’s that you’re dancing to two different rhythms and you haven’t figured out the steps yet.

🔁 TL;DR

ADHD isn't a deficit, it's a different rhythm. When couples stop fighting the difference and start building systems that work for both of you, tension turns into connection. It's not about fixing, it's about learning to move together.

📊 Why It Works

How ADHD Affects Both Partners

For couples, this difference can feel like mismatched gears. Maybe it’s your partner forgetting plans you made yesterday, then hyperfocusing on a project for six hours straight. Or the sudden irritability that appears when the kitchen is too messy and the world feels too loud.

Partners of adults with ADHD often struggle less with “attention” itself and more with the ripple effects: routines that don’t stick, emotional flare-ups that seem to come from nowhere, and the fatigue of navigating daily life when one person’s neural pace runs faster than the other’s.

Here’s what isn’t talked about enough:

Co-regulation isn’t just a wellness buzzword—it’s what happens when you can feel your partner’s nervous system and they can feel yours. It’s when Aaron’s energy is spiraling, and I notice before he does, and I know that putting my hand on his shoulder and saying “Let’s step outside for a minute” will help him land. It’s when I’m overwhelmed and shutting down, and he knows not to ask me a dozen questions but to sit with me quietly until I can find words again.

It’s reading each other’s signals. The tight jaw, the scattered speech, the sudden silence, and responding in a way that brings you both back to center instead of pulling further apart.

When you understand each other’s co-regulation triggers and “neural pace,” you can start designing your life around how your brains actually work: using visual cues instead of relying on memory, building in buffer time, simplifying noisy environments, and creating small rituals that help you both settle. These aren’t rigid rules; they’re supportive pathways that make communication, mornings, and connection easier.

The Real Work: What the “Steady” Partner Needs to Know

Here’s the part nobody talks about: when you’re the steadier partner, it’s easy to frame everything as accommodation. They need systems. They need reminders. They are the ones who need to change.

Thriving together with ADHD isn’t one-sided work.

For years, I focused on what felt like negatives in Aaron’s neurodivergence: the unfinished projects, the constant pivoting, the way his attention would jump mid-conversation. Looking back, it really wasn’t fair. What I didn’t see was that those “negatives” were often mirrors of my own insecurities and limitations.

He wasn’t scattered, he was expansive. He wasn’t distracted; he was curious. And I wasn’t being realistic, I was being afraid.

His dreaming forced me to confront my own mental blocks. His energy challenged my pessimism. His “different operating system” showed me I’d been running on outdated programming. I was part of the problem.

I wear a necklace engraved with the word dream. It reminds me where I was, where I need to be, and that I get to be part of the solution.

If you’re the steadier partner, ask yourself:

    •    Am I reacting to their behavior—or to my own discomfort with uncertainty?

    •    Am I trying to slow them down because it genuinely serves us, or because it makes me feel more in control?

    •    What would change if I saw their neurodivergence as expansion instead of chaos?

You might both be neurodiverse. You might both need different things. And that’s not a problem to fix, it’s a rhythm to discover together.

🤝 Do This Together

Create a Shared Regulation List

You can't co-regulate if you don't know each other's off-ramps.

Tonight, each of you choose 3 ways you reset when overstimulated and share them.

Examples:

• a 10-minute walk

• sitting in silence

• dim lights + deep breathing

• physical touch

• stepping outside

• white noise

• a grounding question ("What do you need right now?")

This becomes your shared guide so you're not guessing when things feel fast.

⚡Customizing It to Your Level or Goal

If you're just starting: Focus on observation. Notice when your partner's energy shifts: what time of day it occurs, what triggers it, and what helps. Don't try to fix it yet. Just witness and learn their rhythm.

If you're actively building co-regulation skills: Pick one transition point in your day and design a simple ritual together.

Examples:

• Spend 2 minutes over coffee naming what each of you needs from the day.

• Take 5 minutes to decompress separately when you get home before reconnecting.

• Dim the lights 30 minutes before sleep and do something calming side-by-side.

Test it for a week, then check in: Did it help? What needs adjusting?

If you're experienced but feeling stuck: Revisit your role. Are you approaching this as "how do I help them" or "how do we both optimize"? Journal on where you might be projecting your own limiting beliefs.

💬 Couples Check-in Prompt

Bonus for the steadier partner: "When I react to your energy or focus, am I responding to you or to my own fear or insecurity?"

📈 Momentum Marker

Different doesn't mean disordered. When you understand the rhythm of your partner's mind, you stop trying to slow them down or speed them up. You meet them where they are. This is where thriving together begins.

💌 Looking Ahead

Next week: When the Brain Slows Down — Part 2

We've talked about when one brain moves faster. Next week, we're covering what happens when a brain is forced to slow down through traumatic brain injury or neurological shifts that change everything overnight.

For nearly a year, I didn't recognize the man I loved. Brain injuries don't just affect cognition, they reshape identity, sleep, emotional regulation, and the entire relationship. And no one prepared us for it.

If you've watched your partner's brain struggle to heal or felt the loneliness of holding things together while everything falls apart, this one's for you.

Till next week, keep dreaming, reflecting, and choosing the path to thrive together.

Jaylene + Aaron

✋ One more thing…

If this topic resonated with you, consider exploring Dr. Amen's free ADD Type Test together. Understanding which of the 7 types of ADHD might be present in your relationship can give you both language and clarity for the differences you're navigating. Sometimes just having words for what you're experiencing changes everything.

Hit reply and tell us: Did you recognize yourself or your partner in this story? What's one rhythm you're learning to honor in each other?

If you enjoyed this post or know someone navigating neurodiversity in their relationship, please share it with them and encourage them to subscribe: https://www.syncyourwellness.com/subscribe

P.S…Two quick asks before you go. 

• If you have a requested topic to be discussed regarding couples health strategies, email us at [email protected] and let us know. 

• Take 1 moment to answer this poll. 👇

P.P.S….Looking to align your health goals as a couple, prioritize your fitness and nutrition? Check out these top articles:

1. Fitness & Marriage: What We Wish We’d Known 3 Years Ago 

2. Future-Proof Your Family 

3. The Version of You That Changes Everything 

📚Research & Sources

1. Psychoeducational Groups for Adults with ADHD and Their Significant Others (PEGASUS): A Pragmatic Multicenter and Randomized Controlled Trial - European Psychiatry (Hirvikoski et al., 2017)https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28641216/

2. Cognitive Behavior Therapy-Based Psychoeducational Groups for Adults with ADHD and Their Significant Others (PEGASUS): An Open Clinical Feasibility Trial - ADHD Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorders (Hirvikoski et al., 2015) https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4340972/

3. Developmental Context and Treatment Principles for ADHD Among College Students - Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review (Fleming & McMahon, 2012) https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10567-012-0121-z

4. ADHD and Romantic Relationship Quality: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis - Journal of Attention Disorders (2025) https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11786296/

5. How Does ADHD Affect Relationships and Marriage? - ADHD Aware UK https://adhdaware.org.uk/living-with-adhd/how-does-adhd-affect-relationships-and-marriage/

6. ADHD and Relationships - Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/adhd/adhd-and-relationships

7. Dr. Daniel Amen's ADD Type Test & ADHD Brain Research - Amen Clinics https://add.org/adhd-brain/